Oh, to be a Chicken Farmer
Recently, the universe conspired to (again) remind me of high school. In the process of (gasp) cleaning my house, I ran across a book titled "I Could Do Anything I Want.... If Only I Knew What". A friend asked me what my "dream job" was. My muse-of-the-day, Kiki, wrote about Thomas the Train in her blog.
What is the connect between these things, you might wonder? Well, they all remind me of this ridiculous test I had to take in high school, called the CAPS, COPS, and COPES Test. Yes, that is all just one test. The idea is that it will assess a student's abilities, interests, and ambitions, and then cross-analyze them all to determine what direction they should take in their career path.
When our results were handed back, I had a very memorable conversation with our resident genius. (Yes, genius. 200+ IQ, 1600 SAT, graduated at 15, etc. etc.) His results indicated that he would be perfectly suited for a career in the math and sciences, particularly business or engineering. No surpise there for any of us. My results, on the other hand, were not as clearly defined. Basically, according to the test, I had the interest and ability to do anything I wanted to.
I was not at all happy about this. In fact, I was down right pissed. I wanted the damn test to tell me to quit school and be a chicken farmer. Or get my diploma, and become a unionized garbage man. Or something. Tell me just one thing to go do. Tell me I'm too dumb to do many of the things I'm interested in, and I would be much happier.
Why? Why am I complaining about this? Because I do not have the ability to choose one thing and stick with it forever. I am always flip-flopping, mentally if not physically. If you ask what my "dream job" is, the answer will be in list format, ranging from medical researcher, to theater stage manager, to Italian-language interpretor, to a kindergarten teacher. And I'll still have left something out that interests me.
So what am I doing with my life? Well, I am proving that the stupid test was probably right. I teach kindergarten, and study Italian, French, German, and Spanish on the side. I hum show tunes in the shower and wonder if I could have actually made a career out of my music, as my teachers once urged me to do. I have rough drafts of plays in my desk, and partially finished portraits in my art pad. I mentally direct music videos, and read medical journals for fun. I am looking into the feasability of becoming a grant writer, and trying to determine what I could do with a Masters degree in Art History. I am raising my child, taking care of my husband, and attending school. I am walking a very fine line between what is and what could be. And I am worrying that when I am old, I will have failed to live in the here and now, opting instead to look over the edge at what could have been but never was.
Maybe that test was right. I could be whatever I wanted to be. And I after seven years, I am learning to embrace that, instead of resent it. I am no longer angry that I was not limited to being a chicken farmer, even if that might have made my life "easier". That is not who I am, nor who I ever was. But neither does it limit or define the person I will become. Because of all the things I could do or be, what I most want to be, is present. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physcially present. Embracing myself for the multi-faceted person that I am, and know that no matter what I am doing, I am doing it with my whole heart and self, learning from it, and taking those lessons with me where ever I go.
My reminder (to myself and others), is this: Do not let yourself be defined by what you do. We are more than the sum of our parts, or the individual pieces. What we become is ultimately determined by our attitude as much as it is by our experiences. And while we cannot completely control our experiences, we can shape and adjust our own attitudes to give them the "spin" that we want them to have. Be a "spin doctor" of your own life... go on, give it a whirl. See just how much fun one person can really have. I dare ya...
What is the connect between these things, you might wonder? Well, they all remind me of this ridiculous test I had to take in high school, called the CAPS, COPS, and COPES Test. Yes, that is all just one test. The idea is that it will assess a student's abilities, interests, and ambitions, and then cross-analyze them all to determine what direction they should take in their career path.
When our results were handed back, I had a very memorable conversation with our resident genius. (Yes, genius. 200+ IQ, 1600 SAT, graduated at 15, etc. etc.) His results indicated that he would be perfectly suited for a career in the math and sciences, particularly business or engineering. No surpise there for any of us. My results, on the other hand, were not as clearly defined. Basically, according to the test, I had the interest and ability to do anything I wanted to.
I was not at all happy about this. In fact, I was down right pissed. I wanted the damn test to tell me to quit school and be a chicken farmer. Or get my diploma, and become a unionized garbage man. Or something. Tell me just one thing to go do. Tell me I'm too dumb to do many of the things I'm interested in, and I would be much happier.
Why? Why am I complaining about this? Because I do not have the ability to choose one thing and stick with it forever. I am always flip-flopping, mentally if not physically. If you ask what my "dream job" is, the answer will be in list format, ranging from medical researcher, to theater stage manager, to Italian-language interpretor, to a kindergarten teacher. And I'll still have left something out that interests me.
So what am I doing with my life? Well, I am proving that the stupid test was probably right. I teach kindergarten, and study Italian, French, German, and Spanish on the side. I hum show tunes in the shower and wonder if I could have actually made a career out of my music, as my teachers once urged me to do. I have rough drafts of plays in my desk, and partially finished portraits in my art pad. I mentally direct music videos, and read medical journals for fun. I am looking into the feasability of becoming a grant writer, and trying to determine what I could do with a Masters degree in Art History. I am raising my child, taking care of my husband, and attending school. I am walking a very fine line between what is and what could be. And I am worrying that when I am old, I will have failed to live in the here and now, opting instead to look over the edge at what could have been but never was.
Maybe that test was right. I could be whatever I wanted to be. And I after seven years, I am learning to embrace that, instead of resent it. I am no longer angry that I was not limited to being a chicken farmer, even if that might have made my life "easier". That is not who I am, nor who I ever was. But neither does it limit or define the person I will become. Because of all the things I could do or be, what I most want to be, is present. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physcially present. Embracing myself for the multi-faceted person that I am, and know that no matter what I am doing, I am doing it with my whole heart and self, learning from it, and taking those lessons with me where ever I go.
My reminder (to myself and others), is this: Do not let yourself be defined by what you do. We are more than the sum of our parts, or the individual pieces. What we become is ultimately determined by our attitude as much as it is by our experiences. And while we cannot completely control our experiences, we can shape and adjust our own attitudes to give them the "spin" that we want them to have. Be a "spin doctor" of your own life... go on, give it a whirl. See just how much fun one person can really have. I dare ya...
posted by Resolution Gal | 10:33 PM
5 Comments:
US police carry out controlled blast at Washington synagogue
US police carried out a controlled explosion on a suspicious trailer parked at a synagogue in a Washington suburb after evacuating nearby residents.
Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
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Are we the same person? Except, I'm not a kindergarten teacher...but I would love to be. And a biochemist. And a business manager of a community theatre. And own a little shop that sells books that Barnes and Noble never even heard of. And still have time to bake out-of-this-world cookies for Oz's bake sale. (But I prefer my Hershey's with no almonds.) If Kiki is your muse, you are mine!
Ahhhhhhh...a kindred spirit! It does remind me of my roundhouse analogy! I love you, Hamster!
This is deep. I'm one of those boring people who have done the same thing for the last 15 years and kind of like it. I do have to work on living in the present though.
I really like this post! I can really relate to this. Like you, I often wonder what I should do with my life, and would most likely be successful at many different types of things. One screen name that I use is "Calypsopoet." It is a reference from a Jimmy Buffett song, in which he muses how he became a singer. "Guidance couselor says, 'Your scores are anti-heroic. Computer recommends Hard-Drinking Calypso Poet.'"
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